How can you consciously create the consultant-client relationship, and why does it matter?
We all know the importance of relational skills, of building rapport and gaining trust.
In this article however I’m curious about the nature and orientation of ourselves in our roles, underneath how we relate. Am I showing up as an expert, direct report, dumping ground, or partner in crime? Am I treating my client or colleague as a Manager, a ‘money tree’, someone in need, or a friend?
What I notice
In paying attention to the different roles I found myself in, I realised the following:
Most people have preferences for how they’re related to, and what roles they find themselves in. If a client is looking for an authority figure but you’re trying to be a sociable ‘friend’, there’s an issue.
Some of us are more flexible and up for being coerced into roles than others, for better or worse depending on the scenario.
Instead of ‘falling into’ a relationship and just enjoying or not-enjoying, we can actively consider what’s most helpful for the work, and then decide if we’re okay with that.
Noticing and shaping the role-relationship presents a unique opportunity for both parties to learn from the experience. It forms a template for what’s possible: what does it take to form purposeful relationships and utilise differentiated resources? What unknown aspects of our identity or skills might emerge?
Why does it matter?
The relationship is a resource for the work itself and place of learning. It’s a container, an enabler, and a key data point about the wider dynamics at play.
We talk about ‘relationship-based learning’ in organisations, learning through mentoring or coaching. I don’t really mean the relationship as a vehicle for learning as such, but more the place and the point of learning itself.
What might we learn about ourselves and others, by virtue of how we feel related to? If we’ve never before been related to as someone who has great skill, what impact could it have on our personal identity and potency in the world if we encounter someone who relates to us in new unfamiliar ways?
It takes ongoing discernment to pitch the relationship just right; to notice the unfolding of new ways of connecting as your work together evolves, and to uncover the possible relationship and learning as it presents itself.
An example - seeking to empower leaders
A client recently approached me to talk about their ongoing struggle to empower their leadership community. I’ve just finished a project elsewhere which went really well; a highly participative and with great outcomes…I launch into the story “Oh fantastic I’ve just been working with another client on this and what we found is…”
How do I know they needed that from me? Perhaps they too have conducted some great work in this area already and the issue is something else. Do I even know what they mean by ‘empower leaders’ in this context? My monologue might be inspiring, boring, or get in the way of the data and history they could be sharing with me. A terrible start to begin by disempowering someone asking for empowerment.
How do we know what’s needed?
An early warning sign is if I act on impulse without testing assumptions. I’ve been ‘mobilised’ into a particular role before considering what’s needed.
Here’s an alternative place to start: “What do you mean by ‘empowering leaders?”. “What have you tried so far?”; “What does culture mean to you?”; “Why is this important for the organisation?”.
And a role discernment question: “What’s your sense of how I can support you with this?”. They may not know of course, but that in of itself is data.
Why does it matter?
We might perpetuate the very dynamics that has kept the organisation stuck. This is one way of colluding with the organisational patterns.
Perhaps the organisation has a pattern of abdicating leadership to external partners. Perhaps the cultural issue is a fear of leadership, of showing up, of putting a stake in the ground. They manage to recruit external experts to tell them what to do, implement it for them, and none of it works because it’s not really ‘theirs’ and the real issue is still avoided.
Do you want to be part of that long line of failed culture programmes and consulting partnerships? I don’t. Instead I might re-negotiate:
“I noticed you’ve done a lot of work with your leaders and have worked with external partners before. I’m concerned if I fall into a similar role that we might repeat the pattern. What if we had internal leaders run this project themselves, with me and colleagues supporting and coaching them? That way we’re building their capabilities, confidence, and culture as we go, but with support. It might feel like an unfamiliar way for you to use external resources but it’s the only way I see this succeeding.”
We might also get drawn into role-relationships that leave us feeling awkward or uncomfortable in the work. We might feel used, manipulated, or overly dependent or depended-on. This might be a result of feeling under or over-paid for the work, having meetings cancelled at short notice, or important plans changed without discussion.
You’ll have your own versions of these stories and many more!
Classic traps
There are a few common patterns we see:
The consultant finds themselves in the role of direct report. They either act as if they are employed and struggle to take up authority, or take on an actual internal position.
The client sees the Consultant as a guru and leave their organisation to work with or for them.
A romantic relationship forms.
These occurrences are not problematic in of themselves; people discover new roles and relationships all the time. What’s worth paying attention to are the instances where these desires are a distraction and divergence from the work at hand, or are strong patterns running throughout a person’s history or organisation. That’s where we might unconsciously add energy to the repeating patterns, which serves to keep the client’s presenting dilemma unresolved.
What can we pay attention to?
I initially look at the general archetype and patterning of roles by asking ‘where else have I been a relationship that felt like this?’. The way I’m being related to might remind me of a bickering sibling, a spiritual guide, or even an electrician.
Again there is no right or wrong role; it depends on what’s of most use to the client, what feels purposeful, and what you’re prepared to offer.
Here are a few specific boundaries I’ve been alluding to which we can navigate and negotiate:
Authority: How are key decisions made, is the client supported to make decisions themselves or do they follow the Consultant’s ideas.
My intention is that we’re both equally authorised in our roles. That is to say, I don’t feel ‘shut down’ or unable to offer a reflection to the client, and they don’t look to me for ‘permission’ about a decision that impacts them more than me. We are both equally authorised in our differentiated roles.
Ownership: Who feels ownership over the work and the outcomes, and that the impact is the result of their leadership and their choices.
The client owns the work, commissions the work, and should feel absolute confidence in being able to offer an account of the impact - warts and all. My role is to accompany them for a period of time or aspect of their role, to equip and enable them to offer leadership. I may have ownership over discrete deliverables, such as a workshop or development programme, but I’ll be mindful of the client holding the overall boundaries of the work. My intention is for us to feel equally proud of what we’ve co-created, but from our differentiated roles and contributions. As an external Consultant I’m cautious to never take on the formal leadership role that the client holds, even if they’re struggling, but to offer insight and support from the boundary line.
Expertise: Whose talents and expertise are being drawn upon for the benefit of the outcome. Whose thinking is stimulated, and whose ideas are taken forwards.
I often tell clients that I have an expertise in human dynamics and leadership to be utilised, but they are experts of their own roles. I intend to create the conditions in which the latent expertise of others is brought out. Where needed I will be informative and offer some specific learning or capability development, if there’s a gap. I will certainly illuminate the dynamics and offer back my reflections, so that they can ‘see themselves in context’ or re-frame their experience. But if a client takes my ideas forwards with no questions asked, I’m dubious as to whether it’s the right thing to do. It needs to be in their words, their role, and within the auspices of their understanding that we move forwards.
Reflective questions for your practise
How do you orientate yourself in your role-relationships?
What are the key domains you’re paying attention to?
How do you know when it’s based on your preference, the other person’s projection, or the genuine need for the work ahead?